Dick Disses Deer Park Dork
Proving that a broken clock is right twice a day, Richard Justice pecks out a kernel of truth in the dirt...
Among the more idiotic things he said Saturday was this quote sent to me from the New York Times:
I know New York is where God wants me and where he's put me for this year.
These guys should hire someone to tell them when to shut their traps. I hope finding The $76-Million Man a place to pitch wasn't high on God's to-do list.
I didn't realize that God had a last name of Hendricks. Are His agents' fees tax-deductible as a religious contribution?
Houston Press dug up this classic quote from Pettitte three years ago on coming to Houston:
Q: Besides being close to your family, what's the best thing about playing for the Astros?
A: The most important thing that I looked at as far as coming here and playing with the Astros is I thought they had a good team. That was the most important thing to me. Another very important thing to me on a personal side was that I'm going to be able to go to my own church here and my kids will be in school year round. Those are things that are very important to me.
So let me get this straight... God is telling Andy Pettitte, a husband and father, to accept a job offer that keeps him away from his family?
What does God know about Andy Pettitte that we, the public, don't? In private, is Andy Pettitte some kind of child-molesting, wife-beating monster that can only prevent such outbursts through prolonged absenses?
Maybe Jason Grimsley was right... Andy was juicing all those years. Then, he started to suffer the 'roid rage and took it all out on his wife and three kids...
Okay, okay, probably not. Especially since he will pull them out of school for the season:
Pettitte said the Yankees put on "a full-court press" to sign him, enough for him to uproot his family for another stint with them. He said he will pull his kids out of school to spend the season with him in New York.
"Coming down here was to be around my family, and my kids were, I thought, at an age, especially my boys, that I needed to be close to them and spend some time with them and try to raise them the way a father would want to raise a son," he said.
However, here's another odd thing... Andy says that God told him to go play for the Yankees, but three years ago he said that it was important for him to go to his own church, right?
According to Baptist Standard, that's Central Baptist in Deer Park.
So let me get this straight... Andy went to his church in Deer Park, and God told him that He wanted him in New York?
What kind of quack is running that church?
Oh... wait... it's Andy's father-in-law and his cousins, who apparently never got the memo from the Lord Almighty that they were all in the wrong zip code and time zone.
At least God didn't go all Abraham on his new Prophet Pettitte. I mean, what would the papers have said if he had taken one of his kids to the top of a mountain to sacrifice him?
Or perhaps he could have taken the Noah route, telling Andy to build an Ark in which to rescue two players from each team in the major leagues? I know it floods in Houston, but that would be downright insane (Nobody in their right mind would want to save two Kansas City Royals).
Look, I think we've learned our lesson here. When Raggedy Andy tells you that it's about family, church, community and God, don't believe him.
It's all about the about money.
Kinda makes you look stupid for shopping at H.E.B. because Andy got his steaks there, eh?
Posted by Laurence Simon @ 12/10/06 09:14 AM | Print | Comments (2)
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